An activity I lose myself in would be journaling. Now with junk journal I find myself prepping the journal for when I write. I have washi tape galore with stamps and junk paper to decorate. I’ve never really been the arts and craft type person so this small hobby that’s developing is bringing me a sense of peace. When writing, I slip on some headphones, play some music and I’m lost in the moment of what I’m writing about. There’s an array of emotions when writing. Gratefulness, sadness, fearful, confidence and much more. I can find myself smiling towards the end or my vision will blur with tears threatening to fall. I can easily lose myself in these emotions thus why journaling is that activity for me. What’s yours?
Journaling: Junk Journaling
As mentioned in a previous blog entry. I’ve been journaling for years. They’re more like diaries. I finished one that I’ve had since September 2017 til February 2023. Almost six years worth of entries. A person of the past. The emotional shifts and growth as you watch yourself grow through the page you write.
I have different journals for different uses. Budget, To Do List/Work, Diary and Miscellaneous one with random thoughts or ideas for something. I get obsessive about journaling sometimes. Writing things down physically is different than typing it out. I tend to retain more that way.
This notebook I purchased from Notebook therapy. There’s so many options and limited time notebooks. Their washi tapes are so cute and they sell rubber stamps. This is one of many notebooks I own from them. Their main use is for bullet journal but I can use it as a diary as well.
These whale collection washi tape are so adorable. Once I have junk paper and everything to craft I’ll show off what I do before beginning my entry. I’m so excited to bring out a part of creativity in myself to share with you all. It’s almost the end of February and I feel a sense of change coming. Life is already crazy with busy times and finishing up this term of school. I’m hopeful once I finish things will calm down. But something tells me that’s not the case. I will have little time between school finishing and the comings weeks to relax. Life is funny in that way.
Anyone been journaling or likes to journal? Scrap book? Comment below your experience!
Taken into the Stars: Losing Her (Conrad) Part 5
Working nights are quiet. There is nothing else to do besides ensuring the building is clean, trash is taken out, and sometimes people come in and out. I pick up my phone and open Lani’s chat. I text her, “I miss you love,” and send it off. Only the universe knows how much I miss that woman on these nights. I would get there in the morning and walk into the room. There she would be with the stupid kitten, Bruce. Okay, okay. Not stupid. The little guy is cute. Black with yellow piercing eyes. He was still a kitten; that age is always ridiculous, annoying, and cute. They’d be cuddled together with Bruce on her head, lost somewhere in her length of dark hair. All you’d see are yellow eyes staring at you in the darkness. Lani’s slow breathing could be heard, surely asleep. But…the moment I set foot in through our bedroom door, her eyes would flutter open. It was always eerie how she knew.
I opened her message. Panic set in, and I rose off my stool. “Help”? I called her. Voicemail. I kept calling. Dang it, Lani. It kept ringing. I called Kieran, who answered oddly quickly, “Hey man…do you know what time it is? Are you okay?”
“Kieran, I can’t reach your sister. She sent a text saying to help. I’m at work. Can you go, please? You’re closer; I’ll be there soon” I could hear Kieran rustling and the door slamming shut, “Yeah, I gotcha. I’m leaving now.”
Police lights? I pulled up and got out of the car. The worst thoughts were coming to me. Kieran was standing outside. “What happened?!” He shook his head. “I don’t know, man. She’s not here. Her phone’s outside, but she isn’t home. Cops think maybe she left and disappeared on her own. Asking me questions about her. My sister isn’t on drugs or a flight risk like no man. They don’t believe me.” I could hardly hide my anger as I approached two cops in their car. “Hey, I’m the boyfriend. My girlfriend texted me to help.” The cop nonchalantly replied, “Well, there’s no sign of forced entry, and it hasn’t been more than a few hours. I don’t think that qualifies as anything worrisome yet.” I clenched my jaw. “My girlfriend doesn’t just disappear on her own. She sits on the porch to work or study. She never goes anywhere without her phone. Hell, she won’t even leave our damn kitten alone. I even called her brother to come to check in because we both know she is NOT like this, and her phone was on the floor. If she’s been kidnapped…” They seemed to look at me and finally said, “Okay, sir, let me get detectives. We apologize for the delay.”
The night was a blur of questions; all we were told to do was wait. Wait as I felt my soul fell apart.
One Week Later
Missing, she was missing. This place, our place, feels so dark without her. Bruce lays on her side all the time. Do cats miss their people? This pain in my chest. My heart and soul were breaking apart. A part of me has been ripped away, and it’s raw—the constant what-ifs whirlwind through my mind. My stomach churned with hunger. But I was too numb to eat anything. I couldn’t enjoy a meal knowing she was out there. Alive…scared…or worse. Please, I want her back…
One Month Later
My phone rings, and I still flinch. Usually, it’s her brother wanting to talk or game. I feel myself slipping away further and further. I don’t feel her anymore. I feel dead. As time passed, reality set in. I might not see Lani alive ever again…
Bruce has gotten bigger. I feed him, work, let videos play in the background, and sip on my coffee…even when it burns, at least I feel something. But sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed with grief that I never wish to get out of bed on my days off. But Bruce comes to let me know he is hungry. At least someone is hungry…when was the last time I ate anything good?
I sighed in the shower and leaned into the hot water. Letting it soothe my sore muscles. But it couldn’t help the pain within. A random memory of her peeking into the shower curtain, asking to come in. Before I could agree, she’d pull the curtain open and step in. My eyes would drift all over her as I took her in. The sleepy eyes, long dark hair, the thickness of her thighs leading into curvy hips, and the sweet sound of giggling as she went around me to get under the shower. The smell of her soap as she slathered it on herself. I wanted to surround myself with that smell forever. So, I wrapped my arms around her to help her lather up. I knew all her ticklish spots, her favorite places to be touched, and where to massage to relax her. I’d bite her ear as she melted in my arms. She’d finish showering, and she would encaptivate me. “Okay, done!” A peck on the lips, and she was rushing out. “Don’t you dare. Come here”. I’d pull her back in for a deeper kiss. Stepping out of the shower myself, one hand still entangled in her wet hair. Her warm body pressed against me, and I couldn’t resist. I wanted to get lost inside her and forget everything to make her mine.
The memory stung, and the heaviness in my chest made me weak with despair. My breathing quickened, and I felt dizzy. My heart was beating out of my chest as the sobs came in waves. I was nauseated by the haunting thoughts of anyone darkening that smile, laying their hands on her, and the fear she must be feeling…or felt. I was hyperventilating. I sat in the tub with my hands on my head. I took deep breaths. These panic attacks often came now, sometimes a few times a day. Memories are triggered at every turn.
A mew snapped me back into reality. Bruce was sitting by the shower. His meow was soft, and his face seemed puzzled. I was losing myself in the memories again. “Thanks, buddy…” He began to purr and walked away. I yelled out, “I see how it is. Leave a man when he’s down.” That damn cat…
POV I’ve always enjoyed POV books and thought maybe we could see the side of Conrad of his grief without her. As he watches her family suffer through that time without her as well as his heartbreak. Hope you all enjoy. Let me know what you all think thus far!
Monday Mental Health: Death and Always Being Alright
This prompt opened up this conversation for me. Where it’s interesting how death changed my perspective through the years. Throughout life you experience death in different ways. Whether it be a pet, someone you didn’t know, the news, or close to home. It can change things.
Personally, I’ve accepted that death is a part of life that we cannot escape from. We grieve the ones we lose in this life and my perspective is that death is sometimes an inconsolable feeling. A plague that we secretly tend to fear. A sadness that touches our hearts.
After losing my first two babies. Death drilled a hole in me that I couldn’t fix. A trauma that would eventually ease but never truly leave. I mourn the what ifs and could have been with them.
Then I experienced the death of a close friend. I was devastated for the loss. For his loved ones and for those he brought joy to in his life. The art in his photography and his youth. Even if years pass. It’s like a pause button you can never press play on again. Our conversation frozen in time where there was no ending in sight. That part of death is dark and sorrowful.
That perspective has also made me appreciate things more and work hard to continue to live my life. To always be alright. Some days I’m more than okay. There will be days I’m less than. But I know I’m always alright.
Weekend Prompt Days!
Personally I love cooking meaty lasagna. It’s the easier thing for me to cook that lasts 2-3 days in my home. With our air fryer oven we can heat up left overs and it’ll be almost good as new! What do you all love to cook?
Middle of the Week Burnout: Motherhood
When you become a parent. You have these worries that never leave you. From the moment you’re pregnant. All the what ifs, the dos and don’ts. Then, your little one comes into this world. They’re in your arms and the worry has now escalated. You’re responsible to raise a tiny person into a world full of obstacles. You want them to be better than you ever were. You start to thing it’ll be everything you ever imagine…til it’s not.
Everyone’s situation is unique from parenting differently to raising our little ones that have different personalities and struggles. You struggle inside with the exhaustion, the constant am I good enough, and the guilt of everything you probably did wrong that day. You’re touched out, overstimulated, doing the things you had promised you’d never do. Well, that’s just it. Parenthood, a whirl wind.
For me, weekends come along where I’m off from work and I’m busy figuring out how to entertain my older son with autism. He’s obsessed with his iPad and few toys keep him entertained. He likes all the messy things. Slime, paint, markers and playing with water. Winters in NY are long so we set up the little trampoline to tire him out. Our youngest attempts to do all the things brother does and though his curiosity is lovely it ends up with us wrestling him to stop climbing everywhere to touch everything. Nice things? Probably won’t last long with those little fingers. I can’t tell you all how many charging cables we’ve gone through in the past year alone.
Monday comes along and school comes along for my older son. I’m grateful since he loves it and goes without a hitch to some wonderful people. Five hours doesn’t seem enough. Between cleaning, studying, working, chasing a 2 year old or running errands. My whole day is a blur and school is over.
Wednesdays is when exhaustion sets in. The burnout and relief. Husband is off that night and the next day. Although my most productive days. They’re also when I’ve reached peak lack of patience. I spend most of it recovering from the weekend. The laundry piling. The toys that are always out the disheveled mind and house. I lose myself in it all.
Are there good days? Yes. That’s why I focus on having some self care. To remember that I matter. That I do love my boys and watching them grow up together and that they’re loved, cared for and counting on us to be there and watching their dad play and be silly with them are moments I recall the most. How lucky they are to have my parents and watch their faces light up when they see their grandkids. It’s wonderful.
But burnouts happen. You feel less than yourself and it’s okay. Cry. Scream into a pillow. Take a moment for yourself. This isn’t perfect journey. You’re learning just as much as they are. A little grace goes a long way. Haven’t you earned yourself that?
Parenthood is hard. Motherhood can be lonely and hopeless at times. Other times it’s about the love, giggles and smiles. Or holding their small hands in yours and wondering how long will this last. But, everyday you wake up and you do it all over again.
Tarot Tuesday: Keep Trusting the Process
It’s strange how life will continue to give you signs to keep going and to trust yourself and the process. January has ended. February is here. Time keeps going on. I reshuffled my tarot deck after a while of feeling away from it all.
A familiar card appears and I can’t help but feel relieved. The seven of coins as I mentioned in a previous post. Speaks to a journey you’re on. You’ve put in the work and the rewards are coming. The journey is not done but it’s coming along. There’s always a moment where my trust wavers slightly. It’s tiring to keep going and feeling as if there’s no end. But, I won’t give up now. Hopefully my readers won’t either. Stay sweet everyone and enjoy your Tuesday.
Friday Prompt Day!
I enjoy connecting with like-minded people.
Goals for 2023: Implementing and Progress
Lately I’m so caught up with writing and life. Honestly, I enjoy writing and always eager to find time to update and tweak the drafts currently being released.
I’m also excited to discover anchor.fm through WordPress. Podcasts for blogs? So cool! I released my first episode as a test run. I’m debating whether to take the time to read it myself and mess with a voice changer to enhance the reading experience. It’s going to take time and might have to adjust myself to do so if it’s better for my readers.
The tarot readings have slowed thus far but I’m confident there’s a lot I want to sense and know from the universe. Peering into myself and being motivated is part of my self care. My weight loss journey has stalled but I do plan to update you all on how I plan to reset and continue my progress.
I recently mentioned to someone how sometimes my emotions are like the ocean. Some days the waters is clear and serene. But there’s days it’s dark and ruthless. Others, a storm that I do my best to weather. However, I am always hopeful that I’ll be alright.
I’ve been taking some time to also read and inspire myself into writing more of the story. Studying as much as I can to finish school. Already halfway through the term. I’m excited to graduate and see what life’s opportunities has in store. To take a break from school so I can find my love for gaming and socializing more again. Maybe get ahead in writing Taken into the Stars. In few months time we will see. My goal is to eventually publish it.
As always. Stay sweet everyone. May life ease your path. Check out the latest update in my series Taken into the Stars Return or if you haven’t started it. Give it a read here: Taken into tha Stars Intro and let me know what you think. Enjoy!
Taken into the Stars: Returning (Part 4)
I waited for him to get off the bus and make his way down the train station and into a cart. I rushed in, and we stood at opposite ends of the cart. As the cart emptied, I sat down, and so did he. Eventually, the cart was empty. I gripped my backpack and willed myself not to walk over to him. I’ll make sure he goes home and worry about the rest later.
A man got into the cart; I could smell he was drunk. He sat across from me, and when I looked up at him, I could see his smile spreading across his face. “You’re pretty….” My stomach churned, and I could feel power pulsing with every heartbeat. Why now…
He started to stumble towards me when someone blocked my view. “Back off…” I was suddenly staring at Conrad’s back. I felt my throat dry as the drunk guy spoke, “I…I’m saying hi to the girl, man.” Conrad stood there firm, “Go screw off somewhere else.” The drunk guy pushed Dean back and went off to the side. Conrad barely flinched. The guy went into his coat jacket and pulled out a knife. He launched himself at Conrad, and I could smell blood. Conrad managed to get the knife away and snapped the guy’s wrist. He went down on his knees with his hand pressed to his side. Power surged through me, and I threw my hand out.
The man was knocked backward and slid across the cart. The lights flickered in the train cart, and I went to Conrad. He was still kneeling and covering his side. I scrambled my vocal cords to hide my authentic voice and gently said, “I think you need to see a doctor…” He shook his head. “I have a raging headache, and I feel dizzy. I need to go home and rest.” I didn’t notice my hood slipped off; our eyes met. His face was confused as he held his shocked gaze on me. For a moment, I could feel warmth, hope, and confusion all at once. It came like waves. Then despair ravaged him as he slowly said, “Sorry, you almost looked like someone I used to know….”
When his stop came, he gathered his things and walked off the train cart. The drunk guy was knocked out sleeping. He will likely wake up and harass someone else or have a hangover; quite frankly, he’s lucky only to have his wrist broken. So I followed Conrad off the train.
“Hey, let me ensure you get home safe if you pass out or need medical help; I will be there and want to ensure you’re all right.” He sucked his teeth. “I don’t need your help…I live nearby.” His voice was always husky and deep, even sultry when he spoke affectionately to me, but now it had a rasp that I didn’t recognize, an edge of sadness and rage. We walked in silence as we approached the house. He never moved away and still rented in the house we lived in. I walked with him to the door. He searched for his keys and started opening the door, then stopped. “You can come in. Seeing as though you have nothing better to do than walk a stranger to the door.” I smirked. “Don’t worry. I can protect myself”.
Everything was bare for the most part. He had upgraded some tech here and there. The tv, probably a new console, and he bought a pc, finally. He closed the door behind me. I heard a meow, and our cat, Bruce, came out from the depths of who knows where. I felt my heart swell. The little black kitten was gone; now, here was a handsome black cat with piercing yellow eyes.
Bruce stopped and gazed at me. His body was tense, and his fur was lifting away from his body as Conrad walked past him. Bruce cautiously smelled me, his coat relaxed, and he instantly started rubbing against me. His meows echoed throughout the place. I missed him so much. I crouched down to pet him, and he headbutted my face as I lifted him into my arms, giggling. I could feel eyes on me. I looked at Conrad, who was staring at us intensely. “Is he hungry?” I asked. Conrad snapped out of it. “Yeah, let me just…” He took a couple of steps before his voice trailed off, and he wobbled. He was panting and grimacing, “Hey…come sit down. I’ll feed him. You need rest.” I took his hand, and he flinched. I sat him on the couch. I quickly found everything for Bruce and fed him. I walked over to Conrad, whose eyes were closed. “Let me check your wound; keep your eyes closed, okay?” He nodded. I softly touched his forehead and sent him to sleep for a bit. I lifted his blood-soaked shirt. The wound was still leaking blood. I grazed my hand over his injury; it was more profound than he would let on, but no vitals were hit. I hummed, and warmth poured into my hand. Slowly the wound closed, and the bleeding subsided.
I rose to my feet and walked around the place. Had he hidden our photos? Did he ever move on? There wasn’t a sight of anyone else living here besides him and Bruce. I felt both relieved and anguished for him. If he never moved on, it meant he suffered this whole time and my family…mom, dad, and twin brother Kieran. This was going to be insufferable. I felt Bruce climb up my back to my shoulders. He was nuzzling my cheek. “Hello there. Did you keep him company this whole time? I knew you’d be amazing.” He meowed happily as I continued my rounds in the place.
Conrad gasped and suddenly sat up, gripping the couch. His eyes looked down to where his wound used to be, and confusion set in. “What?” I could sense his anxiety building. “It doesn’t hurt. Where did it go?” He looked up at me and stared. He had been working out, from what I could tell. His muscles flexed with every movement. His dark hair was longer now. We didn’t say anything for a while, then I asked, “Coffee?” and I was off to prepare him coffee. I pretended to look for the items, although I knew exactly where everything was. I felt his presence as I saw him leaning against the kitchen entryway. For a moment, he only followed my movements. Then he slowly said, “You know…it’s funny. You seem familiar. It’s like seeing my dead girlfriend possess someone else and waltzing in here. Maybe I’m starting to see things.” I held my breath, I added sugar to his coffee and stirred. “The only girl I ever trusted was Kailani, yet I let you in here. I don’t even know your name. She might haunt me for it.”
I laughed. I could tell he couldn’t decide whether to chuckle at his joke or if I had lost my mind. “So, this whole time…you never let a girl in, all these years cause your alleged dead girlfriend might haunt you?” He shrugged. “You didn’t know her. There was something magical about her. Her intuition was deadly accurate, and she could read people like no other. Call it witchy instinct, but she had a beautiful soul.” I gazed at him; his face had this melancholy look. “She was everything. And it’s not alleged…She’s dead…it’s been four years. There’s no other reason…why she wouldn’t come back. Someone took her from me, her family, her life….” His voice wavered between despair and anger. “I’m crazy telling you this. I think you should go now…thanks for everything.” He was walking away, and his back turned, heading towards the door. I couldn’t let this keep going. He had suffered enough. Life wouldn’t be the same. But if there was anyone who could handle this eventually, it was him. So, I unmasked my voice and reverted to my default appearance.
His body froze at the sound of my voice. I could hear his heart beating. His breath quickened as he squeezed his hand around the doorknob; I could see his knuckles whitening, and he slowly turned around. His eyes widened. He was breathing quickly; blood drained from his face. He was hyperventilating. His raspy voice barely choked out painfully, “Kai… Lani?”
Hello! Thank you for reading the next part in my series Taken into the Stars! I’ve discovered that I could create podcasts featuring an audible read along with either my voice or the softwares used in something called Anchor. In the next few weeks I will try to attempt this and see how it works. I’m nervous and excited! As always. Stay sweet and reach out to me with feedback. Would love to hear what you all think of the series thus far!