Tag: Grief

Hobbies, Stories, Story/Book

Taken into the Stars: Losing Her (Conrad) Part 5

Everlasting Sirua

Working nights are quiet. There is nothing else to do besides ensuring the building is clean, trash is taken out, and sometimes people come in and out. I pick up my phone and open Lani’s chat. I text her, “I miss you love,” and send it off. Only the universe knows how much I miss that woman on these nights. I would get there in the morning and walk into the room. There she would be with the stupid kitten, Bruce. Okay, okay. Not stupid. The little guy is cute. Black with yellow piercing eyes. He was still a kitten; that age is always ridiculous, annoying, and cute. They’d be cuddled together with Bruce on her head, lost somewhere in her length of dark hair. All you’d see are yellow eyes staring at you in the darkness. Lani’s slow breathing could be heard, surely asleep. But…the moment I set foot in through our bedroom door, her eyes would flutter open. It was always eerie how she knew. 

Buzz.

I opened her message. Panic set in, and I rose off my stool. “Help”? I called her. Voicemail. I kept calling. Dang it, Lani. It kept ringing. I called Kieran, who answered oddly quickly, “Hey man…do you know what time it is? Are you okay?”

“Kieran, I can’t reach your sister. She sent a text saying to help. I’m at work. Can you go, please? You’re closer; I’ll be there soon” I could hear Kieran rustling and the door slamming shut, “Yeah, I gotcha. I’m leaving now.” 

Police lights? I pulled up and got out of the car. The worst thoughts were coming to me. Kieran was standing outside. “What happened?!” He shook his head. “I don’t know, man. She’s not here. Her phone’s outside, but she isn’t home. Cops think maybe she left and disappeared on her own. Asking me questions about her. My sister isn’t on drugs or a flight risk like no man. They don’t believe me.” I could hardly hide my anger as I approached two cops in their car. “Hey, I’m the boyfriend. My girlfriend texted me to help.” The cop nonchalantly replied, “Well, there’s no sign of forced entry, and it hasn’t been more than a few hours. I don’t think that qualifies as anything worrisome yet.” I clenched my jaw. “My girlfriend doesn’t just disappear on her own. She sits on the porch to work or study. She never goes anywhere without her phone. Hell, she won’t even leave our damn kitten alone. I even called her brother to come to check in because we both know she is NOT like this, and her phone was on the floor. If she’s been kidnapped…” They seemed to look at me and finally said, “Okay, sir, let me get detectives. We apologize for the delay.”

The night was a blur of questions; all we were told to do was wait. Wait as I felt my soul fell apart.

One Week Later

Missing, she was missing. This place, our place, feels so dark without her. Bruce lays on her side all the time. Do cats miss their people? This pain in my chest. My heart and soul were breaking apart. A part of me has been ripped away, and it’s raw—the constant what-ifs whirlwind through my mind. My stomach churned with hunger. But I was too numb to eat anything. I couldn’t enjoy a meal knowing she was out there. Alive…scared…or worse. Please, I want her back…

One Month Later

My phone rings, and I still flinch. Usually, it’s her brother wanting to talk or game. I feel myself slipping away further and further. I don’t feel her anymore. I feel dead. As time passed, reality set in. I might not see Lani alive ever again…

Bruce has gotten bigger. I feed him, work, let videos play in the background, and sip on my coffee…even when it burns, at least I feel something. But sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed with grief that I never wish to get out of bed on my days off. But Bruce comes to let me know he is hungry. At least someone is hungry…when was the last time I ate anything good? 

I sighed in the shower and leaned into the hot water. Letting it soothe my sore muscles. But it couldn’t help the pain within. A random memory of her peeking into the shower curtain, asking to come in. Before I could agree, she’d pull the curtain open and step in. My eyes would drift all over her as I took her in. The sleepy eyes, long dark hair, the thickness of her thighs leading into curvy hips, and the sweet sound of giggling as she went around me to get under the shower. The smell of her soap as she slathered it on herself. I wanted to surround myself with that smell forever. So, I wrapped my arms around her to help her lather up. I knew all her ticklish spots, her favorite places to be touched, and where to massage to relax her. I’d bite her ear as she melted in my arms. She’d finish showering, and she would encaptivate me. “Okay, done!” A peck on the lips, and she was rushing out. “Don’t you dare. Come here”. I’d pull her back in for a deeper kiss. Stepping out of the shower myself, one hand still entangled in her wet hair. Her warm body pressed against me, and I couldn’t resist. I wanted to get lost inside her and forget everything to make her mine.

The memory stung, and the heaviness in my chest made me weak with despair. My breathing quickened, and I felt dizzy. My heart was beating out of my chest as the sobs came in waves. I was nauseated by the haunting thoughts of anyone darkening that smile, laying their hands on her, and the fear she must be feeling…or felt. I was hyperventilating. I sat in the tub with my hands on my head. I took deep breaths. These panic attacks often came now, sometimes a few times a day. Memories are triggered at every turn.

A mew snapped me back into reality. Bruce was sitting by the shower. His meow was soft, and his face seemed puzzled. I was losing myself in the memories again. “Thanks, buddy…” He began to purr and walked away. I yelled out, “I see how it is. Leave a man when he’s down.” That damn cat…

POV I’ve always enjoyed POV books and thought maybe we could see the side of Conrad of his grief without her. As he watches her family suffer through that time without her as well as his heartbreak. Hope you all enjoy. Let me know what you all think thus far!

Grief, Life, mental health

Monday Mental Health: Death and Always Being Alright

Everlasting Sirua

How does death change your perspective?

This prompt opened up this conversation for me. Where it’s interesting how death changed my perspective through the years. Throughout life you experience death in different ways. Whether it be a pet, someone you didn’t know, the news, or close to home. It can change things.

Personally, I’ve accepted that death is a part of life that we cannot escape from. We grieve the ones we lose in this life and my perspective is that death is sometimes an inconsolable feeling. A plague that we secretly tend to fear. A sadness that touches our hearts.

After losing my first two babies. Death drilled a hole in me that I couldn’t fix. A trauma that would eventually ease but never truly leave. I mourn the what ifs and could have been with them.

Then I experienced the death of a close friend. I was devastated for the loss. For his loved ones and for those he brought joy to in his life. The art in his photography and his youth. Even if years pass. It’s like a pause button you can never press play on again. Our conversation frozen in time where there was no ending in sight. That part of death is dark and sorrowful.

That perspective has also made me appreciate things more and work hard to continue to live my life. To always be alright. Some days I’m more than okay. There will be days I’m less than. But I know I’m always alright.

Grief, Life

Pets are more than just Animals

Everlasting Sirua

It’s odd how these little creatures leave the biggest impressions in our hearts. They can only live for so long and it’s heartbreaking to even think when they come to you at any point of your life or their lives. That one day they’ll leave you.

I used to be a dog person. Least I thought I was. I love them yet I wouldn’t want to have one since it doesn’t fit our lifestyle personally. I ended up with three cats somehow (I like to pretend they showed up here one day lol) and never looked back. Everyday they bring some kind of laughter and comfort to all of us while also being a pain. We wouldn’t have it any other way.

They’ve grounded me more than I can express words. My third cat I got after losing my daughter. The first two comforted me through some tough times. Simple things like being frustrated at work to sad days. But, nothing like trauma and grief. I’ve never seen them so anxious and smothering. Cats aren’t known to be as affectionate as dogs. Including my own. They enjoy our company but don’t find us holding them for a long period of time pleasant at all. It was the next morning after my loss that I woke up and there it was. That feeling of never wanting to get out of bed to fave the world ever again. A silence so deafening I could scream so I turned around to try and sleep to find my two fluff balls on the bed with me. Normally, they don’t get along or would of meowed for more food or at least looked up at me. Instead they decided to come closer to curl up near my body, their ears perked up as the tears came, the silence broken with the sobs. The sobs of a heartbroken soul. They pitted silently and I fell asleep. This happened for about a week straight. My husband would have to take them off the bed or wake them up to lay in bed with me. I found it sweet that they didn’t leave my side in the morning. It’s as if they were grieving with me…

I’m sure there’s so many stories like this one. Where these beautiful creatures help their humans more than they could ever comprehend. Most say “They’re just animals. They don’t know.” I beg to differ as I sit here with my son and mostly surrounded by at least one of them. Keeping an eye out always. Pets aren’t always just animals to people. They’re family.

Thank you for reading! Would love if anyone shared their stories related to their pets and the joy they bring you! Much love everyone. Till the next blog.

Grief, Life, motherhood

My Story, My Babies.

Everlasting Sirua

*Trigger Warning*

This isn’t for the faint of heart. I talk about pregnancy loss and I talk about medical termination of one of my pregnancies (abortion because of medical reasons). I also talk about depression and dark thoughts similar to suicide. That might be triggering to some.

If you decide to read do so at your own risk and if you have anything to share feel free. However, I will ban comments that are deemed inappropriate. Thank you for understanding.

Alright, it’s been real everyone. This might be longer than I want it to be. I don’t mind sharing my experiences. It’s tough to even put it in words sometimes. So I’ll do my best and share what I can.

In honor of pregnancy and miscarriage awareness month (October 15th is the Remembrance Day) I decided to share my story. I’ve touched on it in the past. But never in depth talked about my emotions. My thoughts. The grieving process I suppose. I find that talking about it and sharing my story can help others going through the same thing or open a perspective for some that may know someone going through it or simply want to know what we go through. There’s no words for people who’ve experienced this. No amount of words can take the pain away. But, if sharing this can open people’s eyes and chip away the stigma around it. I’m more than honored to talk about it.

Over three years ago on May 23rd, 2016 I would wake up like any other day. No symptoms besides one of my cats being all over the days leading up to. I would take another pregnancy test the same way I did all the other days only for it to come up negative. I was sure it would be negative again. It’s been 10 months of trying to conceive how would that day be any different; or so I thought. Through heavy eyelids, I checked my test five minutes later and saw it clear as day. The other line. The line that tells me I was with child. My life was going to change. My husband was going to be a father. My family would welcome this child with love. Oh how this child would be loved.

As the days passed I dealt with stretching pains, an excited family wondering what we would be having. A girl or a boy. Everyone swore up and down it would be a boy. While my husband and I were sure I was having a girl. I have a journal where I kept my thoughts and growing maternal instinct almost every week. The joy we felt when found out we were going to have a baby girl. I still swell with bittersweet emotions from the thought. How tightly my husband held my hand. The way I laughed when they told us it was a girl. Surprising my parents with a chocolate cake that had a pink flower. It’s all there. I cherish those memories. My last memories with her. The last ones I had where I was a first time mother unaware and oblivious to the devastation to come. How I wish I could hug her. Prepare her for what’s to come.

I won’t go into too much detail of that day. I’ll share my thoughts through the whole thing and what actually happened.

August 24th was probably like any other day I suppose. I always bled a bit during my pregnancy with Rosebud. Always had urine infections. That was all normal for 18 weeks. The cramps were surprisingly more painful. As the day carried on my cramps would get worse. Eventually, leading me to call my dad to drop me off to the Emergency Room just in case. I was always told to go to the ER if I experienced bleeding that was out of the ordinary. After a few hours I was out. They checked my Baby girl. She looked great and figured she was sleeping since they prodded her and she moved around. Heartbeat strong as can be. My cervix closed and no signs of anything wrong. My husband had texted me saying maybe I was having first pregnancy jitters. That I was perfect and she was perfectly fine. The cramps never subsided as I went home with my sister in law. We talked about how weird it was that I was still having pain. I was tired. All I wanted was to get to bed and wake up feeling better. Upon arriving home I felt like I was (literally) peeing myself. I chalked it up to the urine infection while baby is on my bladder as I ran to the bathroom to clean up.

“More blood? More water? Why doesn’t my pee stop? It’s as if I have no control over myself anymore. This pain. What are these pains on my right side? My appendix? Great. I’m pregnant and about to perhaps die because my appendix is about to burst.“

Eventually the pain was coming in and out every few minutes and since I couldn’t reach my parents (it was about past 2am at this point) I called 911. I cried because of the pain and fear. At no point did the thought crossed my mind that I was in labor. I actually thought I was dying of something else. This is where things get fuzzy for me the ambulance ride, arriving, getting my vitals checked, my sister in law asking me if I was okay. I was in a lot of pain and all I wanted was for this pain to stop. I didn’t want to die. I just wanted everything to be okay. I remember my sister in law telling me that the sheets I had hugged between my legs were slowly getting soaked in blood. Before it truly could hit me. It happened. I felt a part of me die. I felt my heart slowly crumble. A little light in my soul go out. I barely remember what I said only the tears and no matter how much I cried out. It wasn’t going to make time stand still. I wasn’t going to get my daughter back. Making the dreadful call to my parents. Telling them I had lost my baby. Their first grandchild. My husband would get a text at work saying his daughter was gone and that his wife was probably bleeding. How time passed so slowly at first in that room where they told me not only that I lost my daughter but my placenta wasn’t coming out. I was losing blood. To endure even more pain to save me. The dark thoughts that went through me at first.

“Do I really want to be saved? Was it worth saving someone who was now an empty shell?”

Yes. I was. But I didn’t know it at the time.

I watched the pale look on my husband’s face as he walked into the room. The guilt and despair on his face was haunting. No tears. Only emotions. I was okay, right? I would be. Just not today or the days to come.

Her ashes are with us. A UTI gone bad to the point it weakened her placenta and everything around her. Nothing could of been done. No amount of antibiotics. Nothing. The grief was still in our hearts when I found out I was pregnant again only months later. We were excited yet cautious. Only to find out that our baby was not well. His brain hadn’t developed and his heart was going to give out any day. He never moved or showed any other signs of life besides his slow heartbeat. Unfortunately, I decided to terminate at around 15 weeks with him. Enough to find out what we were having and figure out what was wrong. The devastation I felt was doubled upon. I cried the whole way home not caring who was around me. I had experience the loss of not one but two babies. I felt as though the world hated me. That I wasn’t meant to be a mother. I was overwhelmed with emotions even up to the day of termination. May 30th 2017 I would lose Ulrich; Our first son.

No one prepares for this. Pregnancy is a time of joy and preparing yourself to be a parent whether it be the first time, second or more after. Also, it not only impacts the immediate person but even those around you sometimes. I was in a dark place where I didn’t know how I could go on without my babies. I did therapy, played video games, took walks with my husband. I started to realize that I had to take things a day at a time. My day would come where I would be a mother hopefully one way or another. Thankfully, I was able to. Yet there are days I think about my babies and the tears come running. Nothing can prepare you for grief. We just live with it everyday.

Thank you for reading this far. If you or anyone you know has experienced pregnancy loss or stillbirth, I am so sorry. My condolences are with you and that person. I hope you know that you’re not alone. Much love everyone.

Grief, Life, motherhood

Three without You

Everlasting Sirua

Happy birthday my Rosebud. It’s been three years.

Three years I’ll never get with you,

-even I find it hard to believe it’s true.

Three years I’ve dealt with this grief,

-still in on our minds even if it’s brief.

Three years that still haunt me today,

-some days I still ask myself if I’m okay.

Three years here without you here,

-Yet, our love for you never disappeared.

For those that don’t know. I was suppose to have a daughter January 2017. But life has other plans and she was born August 2016. Every year I write a poem. We eat out and silently celebrate her. As I reminisce in my pregnancy with her. She was my first. The one that gave me all those first feelings. Doubts. Dreams. All that I can ever hope for in the 4 months that I carried her. If you’ve been through this I’m so sorry. Life heals. Life gets better. You never forget, you just find a new way to live.

Life

Bittersweet Memories

Everlasting Sirua

Oh August how wonderful and bittersweet you are. It’s the last month before fall which is my favorite time of year. It’s the weird in between month where it would be the last month before school started. The month before the season would change. You felt the breeze become cooler. The energy of the city would take a different turn as businesses and families prepared for the upcoming school days, the cold and of course the holidays. I would swell in excitement and skittish vibes. What would the year bring? Always hoping it would be better than last year. Growing up my perspective was different. It was hopeful and at times a bit lonely growing up. Then things changed….

August 2016 changed for me after I lost my daughter. I go back to that whole month savoring and reminiscing in the last good memories I had being pregnant with her. Finding out we were having a girl. Playing Pokémon Go to get in my walks for the day. We were looking forward to everything with her. Being pregnant in the winter sounded perfect to me. She would of been born close to my birthday. Losing her changed August for me. I might not smile the same but I feel the breeze for her sake. I enjoy the change of seasons because she didn’t. I will include her and her brother I lost after in May 2017 during holidays. I’ll hold their brother who’s running around right now tighter. These bittersweet sweet memories I’ll always hold near me. August will always bring it back to me and for that I thank you.

Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside of us while we live. -Norman Cousins

Grief, Life, motherhood

“Is he your first baby?”

Everlasting Sirua

I get asked this a lot when I’m out with Alaric. It’s an innocent question. Most would answer it easily with a yes or no. And probably reminisce in baby stories and how is it being either a first time parent or parent to multiples. But it’s a question that sends me spiraling sometimes. Should I lie and say yes? Or should I say no and avoid the questions that come buzzing after. Sadly with my guilt swelling up in my throat. I say yes. Yes he’s my first child. As my stomach churns, my heart sinks and I start feeling almost everything stiffen. How could I say that?

I’m a mother of 3. But, there’s 2 that everyone can’t see. They’re invisible to everyone else except me. Even if those around me forget. I’ll always remember them.

I’m a grieving mother who’s been pregnant 3 times and was blessed to be able to raise one beautiful boy for it. I admit he has healed me more than I thought he would. At first I cried a lot. Whether it be because I was so happy that he was home in my arms. Or cause I was so sad that his sister and brother weren’t with us. Everything was bundled into this whirlwind of postpartum hormones and being a tired first time parent to a child who’s cries and sound of his soft breathing would make my heart swell.

I’m working on not feeling so guilty when people ask. It’s not their fault. I’ve changed my answer to yes he’s my first. While remembering that he was the beginning to many different firsts. The first I get to watch grow up. The first to call me mama. I will still get all those firsts. While still grieving for the ones that didn’t.

If you made it this far. Thank you for reading. If you’re new then hello I’m Sori. In this blog I share my pregnancy loss. In 2016 I found out I was having a girl and in 2017 a boy. Both which couldn’t come home with me. Finally in 2018 my son Alaric was born and I’ve been healing since then along with my husband. We have been so blessed to be able to watch our beautiful boy grow and flourish. Thanks again for reading.