Life

Barely Processing the year 2020

Isn’t it crazy that it’s almost 2022? Feels like 2020 was a blur while 2021 is barely coming into focus. It’s insane how much has changed since then. The uncertainty that still lingers after all this time. 2020 was the year that I felt the most change: from starting school. Losing a job due to the pandemic and back to work again from home. Pregnant and chasing a toddler around for his therapies. It feels like things have slowly come to a rhythm of sorts. Now my toddler is going to school and things have picked up at work. Getting through the school terms with hiccups on the way. None the less I can’t complain.

I’m still here moving along as the changes comes. You discover things. You meet people along the way. Hobbies come and go. As do people in your life. You form connections and lose some. There’s things I discovered about myself that I didn’t know before. Overcame obstacles I never thought I would face. But overall, this uncertainty is still here. For now, I’ll continue to sip my morning coffees and try to smile through this. Appreciate the days and nights with my little ones and husband.

How has your life changed since the pandemic? Comment below.

Also wanted to thank everyone who consistently read my blogs and give likes. I appreciate you all. Stay sweet everyone.

Life

Juggling Time and Hobbies: Personal Struggles

There’s simply not enough time in a day for everything. I’ve always cycled hobbies and things I learn or want to learn. Once I find something I like. I research and try my best to find out everything about it before diving in. Even when I do, there’s a chance I’ll lose interest. Whether it be lack of time or the way my brain is wired (more on this later). Hobbies or at least some can be cycled whether it be by seasons, mood, or life style changes. After becoming a mother, this is exceptionally true. I didn’t lose interest but I had less time. Work? School? Well things get complicated.

I’ll be honest. For some things my time management is on point. Especially if it has nothing to do with myself (Ha!). I do tend to procrastinate when it comes to myself personally, it’s a struggle. Constant cycle of when should I do this? When should I do that? I have an appointment tomorrow? Since when?

I’ve officially become that person. The calendar person. Where I use google calendar to input my work meetings, family related events, doctor appointments or reminders. Without them I would be a complete mess of a person. Causing more stress than I already have. I try my best to squeeze in hobbies that make me happy. Watching anime, playing video games with friends, reading, writing, and even blogging. I wish I could be more active on this. Time escapes so easily when you’re busy.

Hobbies are a form of self love and a way to de stress. But it can also take away from priorities which makes it such a struggle to balance. One day this won’t be so overwhelming for me. That’s what I keep telling myself. That life is an ocean, do we prepare for a storm or will it be a wonderful day? It’s unpredictable.

One day it’ll get better. Just maybe not tomorrow?

Life

Celebrating Life Accomplishments

Life is constantly moving. It’s always changing and you start to wonder how different things are every time you dwell in the past. As someone who overthinks things and puts herself down. I want to take a moment to celebrate some life accomplishments/updates that I feel proud or happy about:

•Got my license •First car purchase •GPA went up •Induced into The National Society of Leadership and Success •Keeping appointments both for physical and mental health upkeep •6 months breastfeeding •Managed to not gain more than 3 pounds •Became an aunt to an adorable little boy •Continuing my school education regardless of the obstacles I face •Practicing tarot card reading

Some of this was not easy. Sometimes even the strongest can fall but it’s important to get back up again. I strive for something when I think of my future and my family. But I always try to remind myself to slow down and be happy. To thank my loved ones for their support. At times this is scary. As a mother and a wife, there’s so much to worry about that it’s easy to forget about myself in many ways. Self care, eating healthy, finding time for things I love, while also continuing what I set out to do. Most of all achieving happiness and finding joy in all the small things.

I hope to continue these updates and blogs. I might just post random things. I want to post about anime, cars, school and motherhood struggles. Or whatever I feel like in the moment. But I’ll stick to whatever works.

What makes you happy? Comment below. Follow me on my social links below and stay sweet everyone.

Life

Breaks and Still Broken

It’s hard trying to be better for yourself. To create these habits to build yourself up. Tell that voice in your heard to stop being so negative and breathe a moment. I’m still on a journey. A journey where I find myself wondering where life will go and trying to experience things as they come to me.

These frequent breaks are necessary but doesn’t mean I come back bigger or better. I try to be stronger and sometimes it’s difficult doing it. But I strive for a better tomorrow. Cherish the day and keep pushing more than yesterday. I hope I want to be kinder to myself moving forward.

If you’re reading this take it as a sign. Be kinder to yourself too. I’ll update more soon sweeties. Much love.

Life, Shedding my Weight, weight loss

First Weight Goal Achievement and Wellness Update

I achieved my first goal weight this week. I honestly can say that I haven’t seen this number on the scale since before 2016. I am feeling proud and more determined now. I cant say its been easy as I continue this journey. I am far from my true goal. Lately, it feels like I’m far from so many goals but every moment I am getting closer and that’s been my comfort in all this. That eventually I will reach my true goal and that I can continue to share with everyone my emotions, my struggles, and my progress.

Emotionally, I have been better I would say consideringI am now 11 weeks postpartum. It’s hard to believe how quick and well my recovery was this time around. It’s truly shocking how much mental health contributes to overall wellness. I recently started my period again and I haven’t mentioned this but before my period I tend to have PMS symptoms leading up to the day of. These can vary from minor to moderate. It’s a terrible cycle when I feel emotional over everything and can breakdown all the good I worked for the last few weeks in a moment because of a hormonal cycle and perhaps a bad day. I am hoping with my life style changes these symptoms improve as time goes on. I am tracking my cycles. Although, I do plan on getting an IUD soon. This will be my first time using birth control. I am a bit nervous about this but I need the comfort of knowing I am doing everything I can to prevent another pregnancy til further notice. I will discuss how I feel on it and anything else I can report about it.

My struggles have been high and low. I do have days where I wish I didn’t crave certain things but honestly my true cravings have been Milky Mama Lactation Brownies, Salmon (sushi or baked), and Chofan rice from our favorite restaurant with different meats we order. We try not to order out since that can throw off any progress so I limit the amount I eat and snack on something else later on to prevent me from going on a carb binge. The brownies are to help with my breastfeeding since I need the extra calories to help with production. Truly without the brownies I would be in a deficit in calories and I try to limit everything else throughout the day since sugar and carb content in them is high. These will soon be replaced by a fat burning protein once the baby is older and caffeine isn’t an issue for his belly. As a meal replacement it would be great as something to make and have quickly without feeling guilty especially in the morning where I struggle to fully wake up and eat something.

Progress so far has been going well. I will say that its been somewhere between 1-2 pounds a week for now. I feel this is my comfort level right now since I know my eating habits aren’t entirely perfect in terms of using a macro system and limiting carbs as a keto diet would. The reason being is breastfeeding. The supposed amount a mother burns while breastfeeding is 200-500 a day estimate. This can depend on how much milk is being produced. To counter this I eat healthier snacks like cheese, nuts, and fruits so I can enjoy my lactation brownie and cold cup of 1 percent milk later on. For the most part I tend to choose low carb, high protein meals and do my best to avoid take out if possible. Ive also adjusted my portions and that’s helped significantly. This is all slow progress since all of this began since before May-June 2020. Since the pregnancy threw me into a spin and i did my best to eat healthy through it as well.

I was also wondering whether I should share my progress on Tik Tok since I only just began posting on there for my Twitch stream and cutesy stuff I tend to order once in a while. Once I do I will probably share it more on my social platforms since instagram and twitter are my other platforms to share. If I decide to I will definitely share it on here and everywhere else. I’ll start putting my social links below to follow and chat. Thank you for reading!


If you’re interested in purchasing Milky Mama Lactation Brownies you can use my Referral Link for a 5 dollar off coupon. They also have cookies, supplements and drinks you can try! Always feel free to let me know if you try it and what you think.


Feel free to follow and chat with me using the above social links!

Life

Opening about D-MER: Not Every Breastfeeding Journey is a Happy One

What’s D-MER you ask? Not a lot of people know of it or talk about it. To be honest I hadn’t heard of it either until I had my 2018 baby. For those that don’t know D-MER is Dysphoria Milk Ejection Reflex (let down).

What it does is once breast milk starts to “let down” these feelings begin to stir that are negative. There’s so many ways I could describe it but on most days I feel as though theirs this emptiness in my stomach and a knot in my throat. I dread this feeling every time I pump since so many thoughts arise from it. Back in 2018, I thought I was going through Postpartum depression but odd enough I would only feel this when pumping. Outside of pumping I was mostly okay and felt tired. I was relieved to not be pumping until I had to pump again a few hours later. The cycle was endless and the anxiety would built up the first few minutes of pumping and slowly dissolved towards the end. The relief after was like a breath of fresh air.

I will admit, I have experienced panic attacks in my life and I can say that D-MER can feel similar to the build up of a panic attack. It messes with your mental health. It can make you feel alone and hopeless in that moment. Especially such a vulnerable moment such as breastfeeding or pumping. I was a healing mother with emotional and physical wounds, a newborn baby that needed me and navigating unknown territory. I felt as though I was trapped in my own emotions and no way of getting out. I felt as if I would snap from the pressure of perfect expectations I formed for myself as a mother and wife. There were times I wanted to scream and cry for everything and everyone to leave me alone. To the point I would silence my phone and found myself breathing through it without being aware of what I was going through. One day, I had enough and began to research. I came across this article about D-MER- It all began to make sense. I cried and never felt so relieved that there was a name for what was happening to me.

I hope that if anyone runs across this blog wondering about D-MER or if you’re learning about this for the first time out of curiosity. Well, welcome to my world. If you’re experiencing D-MER as a mother breastfeeding just know you’re not alone and there is hope yet. The symptoms lessen as time carries on, however, if you’re experiencing thoughts of self-harm and feel that your mental health is suffering. Please do what is best for you and your baby. Fed is always best and a happy momma is a happy baby.

Life, motherhood

Exclusively Pumping: Breastfeeding Journey Glimpse

To be honest, things have been hectic. Between little sleep and slowly trying to get back on schedule and keeping a routine with a toddler while feeding a newborn on demand. It’s…well demanding. Along with a part time job at home, school online, my son’s therapy (that’s another blog for another day) I think some days I reach peak of mental exhaustion. I’v been lucky to have my husband for five weeks to help me through this time cause it is not easy getting back to whatever we consider reality at this point.

All things considered I am okay. This time around I know more than I did the first time around with my son. I was new to breastfeeding and pumping. I was new to the experience of motherhood and everything it physically entailed. This time around I am a little less nervous and knew what I wanted which was to pump as much as I could for this baby.

The first time around I remember doing so much research and stressing about my output. I was only making about 20 ounces per day after two to three weeks and it wasn’t enough. I was able to supplement at night with formula but my goal was to strictly breastfeed. Eventually, by an increase of water intake, adding more pumps in my day, lactation supplements and lactation treats was I able to start reaching 30-35 oz a day. I was able to purchase a stand up freezer and store a lot of breast milk for when anytime my supply started to drop towards the end of my journey or started using breast milk in the solids I would give my son. I was proud of the hard work I put into it and couldn’t be happier that I had reached my goal of a year breast feeding. I was relieved once it ended. My mind at peace.

Now here I am once again. I struggle with the thought of doing this all over again for another now…49 weeks or longer depending. This time around I have a oversupply when I prepped for under supply in the beginning. I am proud and yet stressed to say I am at 50-60 oz per day! This time around I did maintain a good water intake, coconut eater from a company I found, lactation brownies, prenatals and pumping at least 6 times a day (its advised to do more like 8-12 so please don’t try this if you’re experiencing an under supply). This all isn’t easy since breast feeding and exclusively pumping has its pros and cons. Every situation is unique and I have my own personal struggles to overcome when it comes to pumping from the wash and sterilizing of bottles and pump part to planning each pump to make sure the kids are comfortable and in a safe place while I sit for 20-30 minutes.

To put this into perspective that’s 20-30 minutes for every pump and at the recommended 8-12 times a day for the first 6 weeks to establish supply. Pumping can actually be a full time job cause this doesn’t include the constant washing of parts and bottles. While taking care of a new baby and everything else of course. This is a glimpse of the struggle but I am proud of myself and those who keep their littles fed. Fed is best and even those who give their little ones formula its still its own struggle to afford formula in the first place. Whether you’re new to this journey or returning. Welcome (Welcome back) you’re not alone!

Life

Feeling Distant

For someone that tends to find the joy in small things I tend to fall off at times. Many know this feeling where one moment you’re doing something you thought you love but then life happens and there never seems to be enough time for it? There’s been many phases of this for me. One moment I am passionate about something then the next I lose that spark only to find myself circling back to it again. I am not sure why this happens. It feels like I am constantly losing myself and finding myself all over again. There’s very little things I find that I dedicate myself to. Do I lack the passion and drive? Is this my limit today? How can I go back and redo this all over again?

Quite frankly, it’s been overwhelming. I might share more of this one day when I am ready. Being personal can be tough when you struggle with how much sharing is too much. Or if very little sharing will bore everyone. I am coming back to blogging and I am circling around different ideas about the reality of motherhood, attending college online, working part time from home, discussing my goals and dreams. It would be nice to look back on this and see how much I grow with every passing moment. A personal journal of my path and changes along the way. Except I get to share it with all of you. Just a little confusing update for everyone. Stay safe and much love. Always feel free to comment below. I’ll add my social media links sooner or later to connect with everyone.

Life, motherhood

Coming to Terms

As a first time parent, life can be full of surprises. It’s a journey of both love and hardships that I am learning alongside with husband. From the moment I was pregnant I would fee this deep connection with each child. Even after the first two losses I found myself still being able to bond although cautiously with my son’s pregnancy. After he was born, our journey as parents began and its been over two years since then.

My son is my firsthand experience with a newborn and child. I was never the type to gravitate towards children. It wasn’t who I was and I kept it that way until I was ready to have kids of my own. The pieces of motherhood fell into place and it was a beautiful struggle to say the least. Exclusively pumping and sleepless nights from worry, anxiety, first time jitters, appointments, and overall motherhood. You get this idea stuck in your head that you need to be perfect always. That you’re this super being that cannot mistakes no matter what. How can you? This little human that relies on you for everything and anything. This needs to be perfect, I needed to be perfect. But, then it hit me one day. It was perhaps the first night he slept through the night that I realized. I didn’t need to be perfect but present. Present for his needs and his growth in this world. There would be mistakes on the way but I had to learn from those mistakes instead of torturing myself. Yes, mom guilt is real. It’s completely normal and happens to even the best of us.

As a mother or even a parent it’s difficult to come to terms with many things. It’s easy to call yourself crazy when you suspect anything. That’s why when we noticed our son wasn’t meeting his milestones in his speech or social skills. My non verbal son who tend to shy away from other kids and wouldn’t give us eye contact to even smile at times. Didn’t listen to his name when called. How could I miss that? I began to wonder. Was this cause of me? Was there any earlier signs I had missed? Am I crazy to suspect there could be a diagnosis in the near future. Soon when he turned 2 years old, he was evaluated and diagnosed with mild-moderate autism.

When receiving the news. There was a stillness. I knew this was coming but to hear it be confirmed gave me both a sense of relief and yet a feeling of loss. Relief that I was not crazy to see these signs and make the call. A feeling of loss since I knew this meant a unique journey, different sets of worries, and learning to provide a better quality of life for my son. Was I doing the right thing? How would the world see him as he grows? Will we ever be able to communicate with him? Will he have friends? Can we provide the emotional support he needs?

These are all the questions and more that still haunt me currently. I try to take it a day at a time. Between all his therapies and steps we have taken. I’m slowly becoming more confident and seeing any progress has been enlightening for us. I will admit I still have those occasional nights of tears. I don’t blame myself anymore. I love my sweet boy, I will walk this path with him. I will always cherish his quirks and that smile he has when he makes eye contact with us. It may only last seconds before he gets distracted again but I see him. I am proud of his progress and what’s to come.

Life

Time is Flying

Looking back a year ago. I can almost remember what I was doing during this time of the month. I was mostly likely waking up rushing to get ready for work along side my husband. Getting out the house with a child and three cats to feed can be a bit difficult. But I always appreciated the team effort with my husband.

Once the cold air hit my face we were off with the stroller. I enjoyed the silence together in the morning. Husband and I wouldn’t talk until we dropped our son off to my mother and be on our way to work. We always have random chatters and he sees me off on my train stop. Only to text me he misses me right after. The day would commence and I thought things would continue in this routine. A routine I had contently settled into for the past three months before pandemic hit…

There’s been so much in between since then. Things that I both miss and yet there things I’m currently grateful for that occurred during pandemic. One of these days I’ll talk about it and open up about the details in between. The struggles, the losses and small accomplishments. I hope to come back and share myself again and what I’ve learned in this new chapter in our lives that is yet to end.