tired – Everlasting Sirua

“the bittersweetness of having arrived in the future, seeing how things turn out, but not being able to tell your past self”- Enouement

I came across this word soon after losing my daughter in 2016. The grief was raw. I still had this numb feeling. Every day waking up I felt as if my body was heavy. It’s truly insane how attached emotions can be to our physical selves. So when I came across this word and looked it up. I, of course, went through so many what if scenarios. My thoughts that were jumbled into this odd ball of grief. Sadness. Anger. Slowly unraveled. I felt sad for the me before the loss. I felt so horrified that she was going to go through one of the most heartbreaking things as a new mother to be. Not just once but twice. She doesn’t know that she will get through it. That eventually there’s a beautiful happy son who’s going to fill her life with happiness and although he makes her long for his siblings. She will be happy. She will be content.

hat girl from before didn’t know she would find her true love one day. One that would understand her full and whole. That she didn’t need to try to be someone she wasn’t. Or figure out her life so much. That she didn’t have to cry at night from being lonely at all. He would eventually come and take a hold of her. Wrap his arms around her and tell her she wouldn’t have to worry. That he would love her till his last breath

I’m sure everyone goes through this at some point. Whether it be a rough patch, a tragic loss, a problem that needed to be solved. You look back and you almost feel bad that you had to go through that to be the person you are right now. Honestly, if I could have a moment with my past self I would hug her. Tell her that it will be okay one day 💗

Anyone else have had moments like this?

Can this be summed in enough words? Motherhood. It’s wonderful yet scary. There are moments I couldn’t think straight and other times things were clear as day for me. Where pumping was frustrating to the point I wanted to quit for my sanity. Yet, the satisfaction of breastfeeding even if it meant through a bottle kept me going for a year. Moments where I could barely keep myself up straight cause the night before he was cutting a tooth that we excitedly wanted to see. Being a mother means that you start being needed 24/7 while inputting whatever time there to take care and love yourself because a happy momma is a happy baby. Right…?

I didn’t really grow up around newborns. I was never the first to reach out to other peoples children when babies were brought around in family functions. Neither would I offer myself to babysit. I was full on hoping somehow maternal instinct would magically kick in and teach me all of that. Oh boy did it! It’s like a switch goes off and not only does your mind and soul respond but so do your new milk making machines attached to your chest. I would get this tingle and slight pain the moment he would cry and out came the liquid gold. Once he was attached, some days it was painful to the point of tears. While others I could stare in awe of how amazing a mother’s body can be to produce such greatness for them. Not unless you don’t mind the waterfall of blood that seeps through a new pad you put on not too long ago and your uterus cramping away to oblivion. I laugh now when I think about it. How much of a mess I must of been through all this. A mess of hormones I might add cause through it all I would smile through the tears.

I did my best to push away my doubts. Took a deep breath and kept telling myself tomorrow will be a better day. Motherhood is majestic in its own way. It challenges you in ways you’d never expect. You discover so much about yourself, your life, and your loved ones. I’m grateful for the father my son has. The bond we share. I’m content. So how does it feel to be a mother? Ask me again after I drink this cold cup of coffee maybe I’ll have a different answer 💗

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